Today has been much better than yesterday and well rather fun. Thanks again for every one that commented. My day has improved not so much because of anything that has happened but rather for a lack of things happening. There is still the persistent desire to runaway but I am not thinking that lowly of myself. To sum it up I have been in a serious mood all day and well have not done anything productive.
Digital Age Taoist, your thoughts of returning to the time before labels, self defined limitations and truth have been echoing through my head a lot today. I found myself stopping to just think about all the labels I have given myself and how they effect how I think. I agree it is time to return to a time without labels. It is time to stop over thinking things.
Sparrow, you are always helpful and make me smile when I don't think I can. You say simple things to me that put things that distract me and stop my endless worrying cycle. You have not posted anything recently and I am hoping you are not getting bogged down with work.
Huntress. I love you. You help keep everything in perceptive and allow me to think clearly. The images from your amv with using "airplanes" is currently playing though my mine. I could perhaps use a wish right now.
Artful Disarray, the comment you made to me made me feel much better and I thank you for it. Your work is amazing and i will continue to say that. I honestly want to be able to draw like you and I need to work on that. For some reason your Autumnal Equinox makes me wish for wings.
Now that I said some thank yous again I will I guess mention what has been going on in my head today. Some of what I say will seem antsy, and maybe it is. Most of the thoughts have been on who I think I am and what I want to do. Then how am I going to do it.
First off I began to try to cast off labels. It is proving difficult as each label just seems to reveal another. I am not male nor will I be completely female ever. This is not a bad thing, there is no need to limit my thinking based on gender. There is a certain form I want my body to look like, but this shall be because I want it not because it is female.
I am not a child, nor am I an adult. There is still much for me to learn about this world, but there is some that I can teach. There is no reason to assume my path is set and my should let my imagination fad. At the same time I am not to be carefree, where and how I chose to live is my responsibility and duty not others.
I am not Islamic, Christan, Jewish, Agnostic, Atheist, Pagan or anything else. Each of theses would limit my mind to its doctrine and its ways. What I believe shall be based on the truth I receive, and I shall believe it because it is truth. I will not follow any religion for rewards and punishments form a parental god.
My sexuality and partner preference will no longer be defined by the narrow guide lines. What is betweens someones legs will not be what determine what I think about them as. If there is a girl that I like and am attracted too on a intellectual and personal level then I will treat them no differently than I would a guy. Until actual intercourse there is no difference between them, and even then it is just a simple switch in procedure.
Blood is water, nothing more. My family does not know and could not understand the true me anymore than I can know or understand the true them. Further more I don't want them to know me. Any judgement they would make would hurt more than anything else. They have chosen their path and are set in it. This is their right and I wish them happiness, but I will not walk their road. The fork is fast approaching and I will wave goodbye with no malice in my heart.
Lastly I shall lose my labels in Architecture. I will not be a modernist, or a post modernist, or a constructionist, or deconstructionist or an minimalist. Nor will I be a discipline of Lewis Khan, Richard Meier, Le Corboruiser, Rienso Piano or any other architect. My thinking and my designs will not be limited to a single style or system of logic. My field is one of president, we build on the past, while I can not break from the past I will no longer accept it as a defense for why something must be done.
That is what I have decided for today. This is how I shall be. Then perhaps I can work on not worrying about what labels people give to me. Maybe one day I could just listen to the instinct to kiss someone, maybe some day the self will not matter.