Life is a rollercoaster

I am afraid I may have sat a standard  for posts in the last on that I can not hope to really keep. I was surprised by the number of comments telling me that it was good and I thank you all. I did not get to make a post yesterday because I was fairly busy with things going on at school. Actually I lie. I hung out with friends then when to another house and talked with him till very late at night.

Monday for me started off very bad with my architecture review and I received a lot of comfort here. Then I was in a very serious mood on the Tuesday and the resulting post was made. Yesterday was crazy in it own right. It started off basic enough with me skipping class because of a lack of sleep. It was boring to be blatant. All I really did was play on blogs. Latter that night, I started texting one of my new friends back and forth a few hours. Then he offered to come pick me up and take me to his place. I agreed and we hung out till well in the morning talking about very nerdy things. Like DBZ Kai and psychoanalyzing various characters from the series. To make a long story short he ask me out on a date by the end of the night. :)

We are going to go eat Italian at a little local restaurant  on Saturday. I am very excited and happy about this, and I have continued to hang out with him a lot over the last two days. I must also admit that I am very nervous and scared about the affair. While he makes me feel safe and very comfortable, I don't know much about relationships. This is the first one that I have truly been in with the person actually being physically there.  I know it is just one date and nothing else might happen after that but I can not help but feel hopeful.

Now of course there is a downside. He is very good at distracting me from work, and that is my fault. I love to hang out with him and well I will pretend to to have work just to do so. This does not bold well for my classes. Also I am very happy right now and they always say that you have to be miserable to be an artist. I have a feeling latter on he is going to get to know my studio space very well.

End of the day.

Today has been much better than yesterday and well rather fun.  Thanks again for every one that commented. My day has improved not so much because of anything that has happened but rather for a lack of things happening.  There is still the persistent desire to runaway but I am not thinking that lowly of myself. To sum it up I have been in a serious mood all day and well have not done anything productive.

Digital Age Taoist, your thoughts of returning to the time before labels, self defined limitations and truth have been echoing through my head a lot today. I found myself stopping to just think about all the labels I have given myself and how they effect how I think. I agree it is time to return to a time without labels. It is time to stop over thinking things.

Sparrow, you are always helpful and make me smile when I don't think I can. You say simple things to me that put things that distract me and stop my endless worrying cycle.  You have not posted anything recently and I am hoping you are not getting bogged down with work.

Huntress. I love you. You help keep everything in perceptive and allow me to think clearly. The images from your amv with using "airplanes" is currently playing though my mine. I could perhaps use a wish right now.

Artful Disarray, the comment you made to me made me feel much better and I thank you for it. Your work is amazing and i will continue to say that. I honestly want to be able to draw like you and I need to work on that. For some reason your Autumnal Equinox makes me wish for wings.

Now that I said some thank yous again I will I guess mention what has been going on in my head today. Some of what I say will seem antsy, and maybe it is. Most of the thoughts have been on who I think I am and what I want to do. Then how am I going to do it.

First off I began to try to cast off labels. It is proving difficult as each label just seems to reveal another. I am not male nor will I be completely female ever. This is not a bad thing, there is no need to limit my thinking based on gender. There is a certain form I want my body to look like, but this shall be because I want it not because it is female.

I am not a child, nor am I an adult. There is still much for me to learn about this world, but there is some that I can teach. There is no reason to assume my path is set and my should let my imagination fad. At the same time I am not to be carefree, where and how I chose to live is my responsibility and duty not others.

I am not Islamic, Christan, Jewish, Agnostic, Atheist, Pagan  or anything else. Each of theses would limit my mind to its doctrine and its ways. What I believe shall be based on the truth I receive, and I shall believe it because it is truth. I will not follow any religion for rewards and punishments form a parental god.

My sexuality and partner preference will no longer be defined by the narrow guide lines.  What is betweens someones legs will not be what determine what I think about them as. If there is a girl that I like and am attracted too on a intellectual and personal level then I will treat them no differently than I would a guy. Until actual intercourse there is no difference between them, and even then it is just a simple switch in procedure.

Blood is water, nothing more. My family does not know and could not understand the true me anymore than I can know or understand the true them. Further more I don't want them to know me. Any judgement they would make would hurt more than anything else. They have chosen their path and are set in it. This is their right and I wish them happiness, but I will not walk their road.  The fork is fast approaching and I will wave goodbye with no malice in my heart.

Lastly I shall lose my labels in Architecture. I will not be a modernist, or a post modernist, or a constructionist, or deconstructionist or an minimalist. Nor will I be a discipline of Lewis Khan,  Richard Meier, Le Corboruiser, Rienso Piano or any other architect. My thinking and my designs will not be limited to a single style or system of logic. My field is one of president, we build on the past, while I can not break from the past I will no longer accept it as a defense for why something must be done. 

That is what I have decided for today. This is how I shall be. Then perhaps I can work on not worrying about what labels people give to me. Maybe one day I could just listen to the instinct to kiss someone, maybe some day the self will not matter.

This is me forever, one of the lost ones.

The review went worse than predicted.  I thank everyone who commented and yeah it was bland. Unfortunately I am not use to dealing with color. All last year I was told too avoid color. The reason for this is when dealing with a client is that they might see a color they don't like and discard the whole design based off that small detail. We where taught to use colors to distinguish different materials, not so much how to use them together. Typically even for that we used different shades of gray.  Its a piss poor excuse, and I should have been clever enough to figure this out on my own.

During the review I would have loved even a tongue and cheek compliment but no. Hell even a back handed would have done. But apparently my work is completely shit with no redeeming qualities what so ever.

For a while after I was a smothering pile of rage that is kind of ready to ignite with any additional fuel. During that period I wanted to bring down a mass of killing that would have even put Stalin to shame. Perhaps fortunately I am a powerless creature and all I can do it really smile and pretend nothing happened at all.

For a brief bit of time the anger had turned in on itself and I was being hyper critical about everything in my life. My mind set became kind of self destructive and suicidal, lucky I did not act on act on any of these thoughts. Though I guess walking out in front of traffic a few times might have counted.  6 hours of class gave me plenty of time to get over myself.

Right now I am in the fuck it stage. Its not important and I don't care. The more extreme thoughts that I will not act on are less about dieing and more about just leaving. At the moment it is kind of hard for me to come up with reasons not to just walk away from it all. I am not happy or satisfied with what is going on now, so why continue? The only reason I have is that I don't like losing and admitting this makes me think its a pretty piss poor reason.

It is finished.

So I had an Architecture project due tomorrow and I had to have it printed by 8 tonight. The project was more just a warm up exercise to get the class thinking about the elements of design. What we had to do was make a poster for an lecture series about some topic in architecture. Mine was about Nature in Design, particularly focusing on the golden rectangle.  It had architects like Le Corbuiser and Richard Meier, but obviously it could never happen. Le Corbuiser is dead and Richard Meier is knocking on the door lol. 

There are some issues I have with this poster, mostly how it came out at full size. First is that on the full size version the I lost the bottom line and well it was not important but it did take away a sense of enclosure. Its kind of boring to me, but that might because I have been staring at it for too long. Feel free to critique it all you want. My teachers are certainly going to go to town on it tomorrow.  It was fun to learn how to learn photoshop.

The rest of my day has been very fun. I went to the mall with my two best freinds and tried to help one pick out dress cloths for a career fair she has. *points at Mira* I kind of failed, but I hope I helped some what.  Most importantly though I drove. While this does not sound very important, I absolutely hate driving. It did not turn out that bad and I feel slightly better about my ability to not die.

I got a new CD at F.Y.E.. I don't remember what the name of the CD but its by Nightwish and it has there greatest hits on it. I got it because it had Nemo on it and I love that song. I also tried on some new jeans since I have lost of  weight. I am happy to say that I wear between a size 7 and 9 all depending on the store. I did not buy any because I realized that skinny jeans were kind of pointless if all my shirts are a size to big.

This post is a little rushed because I am waiting to go to Wal-mart and I don't know how much longer I got. I am hoping to pick up some smaller shirts there tonight. I might also go look at some fabric and a patterns because I need to make a new Ren-Fair costume. I have a friend that can sew and she offered to help me make some cloths. Yay her. I am freinds with her husband too, but he taunted me today about getting a bunny hat at a Anime convention. I might steal it.  Ah so that's been my day.

Why:

After the looks of confusion and explanation of what transgender is, why is the typically what comes next. The simple answer is that it is how I feel that I actually am. Maybe my freinds are more inquisitive than more, but that never seems to satisfy them so I will attempt a more detailed answer here. There is an biological answer involving hormones during conception and the randomness of how genes are passed along. Even with this there is not clear answer just theories. However I am neither a biologist or psychologists, so I will not try to explain it with science.

My answer comes down to I am what I am. It is part of the fundamental nature of what I am. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to model my life like my mom far more than my dad. It might have made sense if my mom was anything more than a house keeper but she was not. I don't so much want to live the way she does, but enjoy the values she has. Society says men should be strong, independent, stoic, callous and tough. They should go out make money to support a family of 2.5 kids and a puppy. Men should not be emotional, display affection or caring. Women are allowed to be more caring, supportive, emotional and soft.

I know that no person is absolutely masculine or absolutely feminine, and every person has a mixture of these traits. It is simply that I find myself with far more feminine traits than masculine, and not desiring to have the masculine traits.Some of the masculine traits I do want, like to be independence and there are feminine traits I do not wish to have. In psychology class they said that it was ideal to have a mixture of both to be a healthy successful person.

What I have said so far makes it seems like its just about traits. Maybe it is just cultural norms speaking, but my heart and mind is female. Ever since I could remember, I have wanted to be a girl and frequently wished I had been born that way. Even back in 3rd and 4th grade when girls were suppose to be icky I wanted to be one of them rather than a boy. Looking back part of this was because of them being more mature and generally kinder, but also because they were pretty. Women because of the clothing they get to wear and then how society allows them to take care of themselves look far better than men. At best a guy can wear a suit and look decent, but they never get to be more than that. I know, it sounds petty but I want to be pretty.

It was not till last year really though that I learned the term for what I was and realized that I had options. Most of my life was spent trying to act more like a guy, but it was difficult for me to say the least. Now I feel like I can begin to be more like myself. Without a doubt, I have a long way to go. My parents have no clue, and I don't really want to  tell them. While I am working on changing it my body is still to masculine for my tastes, and I am a long way away from having any kind of sex-change surgery.